I LOVE YOU, MOSES LEW KAI JIN.

You have made everything possible.

You have improved my life.

You have been my crying shoulder.

You have been my pillar of strength.

You have made me find my way amongst the desert.

You have accepted me for what I could not accept of myself.

You have proved that there is such a thing as the right one.

You have been the reward of the pain and the complications and the hurts.

Thank you for holding my hand and walking through the darkness with me.

I think we will make it.

HE is the one man who has stayed in my life from beginning until today, purely by choice.

HE is the man who has seen his daughter in her ugliest states, with bad breath, on bad hair days, seen the ugly parts of her character that slip through, and still love her.

HE is the man who is always silent, but in the silence is the strength- to believe in a marriage, a family, a woman, far from perfect, to have the resilience to hold on despite how insane things became, and to have the faith to believe that life will turn out fine.

HE is the man who has never revealed a shred of his emotion- his tears and fears are hidden behind a perfectly stoic mask and steel voice, and regardless of the monsters that plague him, wakes up every morning to masquerade ease.

HE is the man who always reminded me of my worth even when it was unbelievable to convince myself of it, who has constantly reiterated that if a man loves me he will love me as well as my Father and better, who has dreams for me that I don't even dare whisper.

HE has never stopped believing in me.

HE is the most important man in my life. I love my Dad.

And for all the times that I was embarrassed to hold my Father's hand in public, to watch the countless movies in a hip place like Cineleisure, all the times he has suddenly shown up while I was with my friends and left all of us in awkward limbo, or other flaws he has (nobody's perfect), he has more than made up for it with the way he has chosen to stick with a broken family and do all he can do to piece it back up.

Very few men would have chosen to stay with a woman when the logical decision would have been to leave.

Very few men would concede that love isn't the crazy rush and easy days, it is also sticking with the mundane, the tedious, the quarrels, the unreasonable and the depressing, the hopeless and the pain and the dirt.

I am PROUD of my Dad, HONOURED to have a Father like him, and INSPIRED with the decisions he has made.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY.

Miracles do exist!

Module: BUSINESS STATISTICS 1

Marks: 54

Grade: PA

This is me.
And my secrets
We're joinedatthehipundividable.
It’ll break me and it’ll tear me down
It’s that flickering light on the dark corridor
That haunts you when you walk through
You love it and you romanticise it
And it’ll be like tar around your soul
It’ll piece you back and it’ll harden you
It’ll corrode and rust you and then
Shimmering shining it’ll polish you
It’ll sing and shatter you it
Will be like an endless song that
Once you loved and now runs incessantly in a loop
Cuff you to it’s body where it emits warmth and cold
Cold breaths down your lungs and
Rip your guts and then your heart.
out and make you cry
Oh, it’ll make you weep like a sorry baby
And then it’ll caress you gently, tenderly
With a closeness and intimacy none can match
And you love it and you hate it
And it is what makes you lack and what builds you up
Oh, it’ll make you moan and pick you up
Edify and destroy
Fondly slip it’s noose around your flesh
Addict and repulse you
Shut you and embrace you
Oh, it’ll find you
It'll consume you and be you
You can’t hate yourself, can you?
Oh, but you do,
and then maybe you don’t.
Truth cuts too cleanly
Too pristine to cherish
You’re adulterated but then again,
You’re whole.

-

From PostSecret


I actually had these stickers.

I threw them yesterday.

My pills are VERY PRETTY.

They comfort me.

Here's to the people who save my life

I don't always see them; I don't always know what goes on in their lives.

They have given me some of the BEST times of my life and have been there for my worst. They have been there from primary school, the Girls' Brigade I HATED, chasing ENERGY and F4, first time I put make-up or dressed up, first job, first relationship, and my dreams and despair for 10 years plus.

I think they are gorgeous, talented, unique and will be HUGE SUCCESSES in life.

I will love these girls forever.

ColorQuiz.com
from Isabel's blog. wah, damn true.

Debbie's Existing Situation

Readily participates in things that provide excitement or stimulation. Wants to feel exhilarated.


Debbie's Stress Sources

Wants to overcome a feeling of emptiness and to bridge the gap which she feels separates herself from others. Anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to explore all its possibilities, and to live it to the fullest. She therefore resents any restriction or limitation being imposed on her and insists on being free and unhampered.


Debbie's Restrained Characteristics
Feels that she cannot do much about her existing problems and difficulties and that she must make the best of things as they are. Able to achieve satisfaction from sexual activity.


Debbie's Desired Objective

Hopes that ties of affection and good-fellowship will bring release and contentment. Her own need for approval makes her ready to be of help to others and in exchange she wants warmth and understanding. Open to new ideas and possibilities which she hopes will prove fruitful and interesting.


Debbie's Actual Problem

Feels restricted and prevented from progressing; seeking a solution which will remove these limitations.


Debbie's Actual Problem #2

The fear that she may be prevented from achieving the things she wants leads her into a relentless search for satisfaction in the pursuit of illusory or meaningless activities.

I'm feeling so emo right now. Sigh. This is a bad day, and I'll be lying if I said that I'm not dwelling upon it. But whatever about it.. it always cheers me up when I read really sad poetry because it reminds me that

1. someone has felt this way before
2. that was someone reallyy long time ago

for my emo-ness today, I present:

The Hollow Men by T. S. Eliot

I'm only putting a part of it cos i don't want to bore people to death. For the whole thing, click here .

"

V


Here we go round the prickly pear
Prickly pear prickly pear
Here we go round the prickly pear
At five o'clock in the morning.

Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the Shadow

For Thine is the Kingdom

Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the Shadow


Life is very long

Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Shadow

For Thine is the Kingdom


For Thine is
Life is
For Thine is the

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

"

I wish I could marry a poet and he'd read me poems every time I was sad. I think that's sooo romantic. *swoons* All we'd have is fancy philosophical nonsensical talk, and we'd pretend we're so deep and wayy over this superficial world. We'll just have meaningful conversations and passionate love.

But ah wells. They don't exist.

I also like Psalm 22 when I'm emo. Here .

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

Very famous lines.

-

I love my Dad. LOVE. Every time I forget how much I love my Dad, I'll be dragged to supper with him. I think it's meant to be.

It's very comforting to be a daughter, because you know your Father will always support you. Whenever you think that you are alone, it's nice to know that your Dad will be there (albeit naggingly) to tell you about life and to say "it's okay". Even though he does majorly irritate me, and his method of love is sometimes zany to say the least... not to mention his allowance scheme. But ah, less all that, I only have one Dad so I think he's the best.

My Dad is like a 'quotes' machine. He'll just blurt quotes out every now and then. And he recycles his jokes. Like this one:

"My friend told me his friend passed away. He said that the guy was veryy lucky."

"Why?"

"Because an actress just passed away and he is buried beside her."

*cracks out into laughter*

Sigh. I've heard this a hundred times.

Today's quote of the day from Mr Ng, "Your mother can never be slighted. Remember that for the rest of your life."

Why can't I just be ten and just let my Dad take care of of me forever? I sometimes wish I don't ever have to grow up, get hurt, get disappointed, work, grow old, have kids, and die.

I get nostalgic when I remember how my Dad used to fry fish fingers and make French toast for my sisters and I. Or how he can only ever draw stick figures. I miss my childhood already.

Reminds me of a story I read recently, Sula by Toni Morrison. How a son was living his life with such decadence, his mother described him opening up her legs and climbing back into her womb.

Disgusting, right? It totally repulsed me. But I understand the temptation to do that- to suck your thumb sometimes. But. It stops there.

Sometimes I just feel like saying “FUCK YOU” to everything and everyone I dislike, without having to go on with the pretence that “it’s okay” and continue the masquerade of politeness or not being affected. Some fantasies of mine…
1. Saying “FUCK YOU” to everyone who thinks that by going to church they are better people.
2. Fuckers who evangelise to strangers. Religion is a choice, not indoctrination.
3. People who can always think of something to criticise about everyone else, and never themselves.
4. People who tell me what to do with my life without me asking for it. Well, who do you think you are? Living your life good enough to dictate others? Here’s one for you, fuck off.
5. PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY KNOW ME SO FUCKING WELL. Someone told me “DEBBIE WOULDN’T HAVE SAID THAT”. I ALREADY FUCKING DID. Shut the fuck up, and get the fuck out of my life.
6. People who are plain rude. This includes not having basic manners, and several things which I think are just basic courtesy…
7. People who think they are very “SOCIALBLE” when in fact nobody likes them, and they are so fucking deluded.
8. People who think the world revolves around them, and every sad or happy thing with them in it, let's talk about "me and me and oh, me, me, me and me??" and get so fucking self-piteous when things don't go their way. Everybody's life is hard in some way. Wake up and smell the coffee!
9. Fake friends. You know them and you have them. It’s not as if you’re so close… quit pretending.
10. Parents who don’t do their job properly, and expect to get the respect they think they deserve. It should be “We’re learning together” and not “Everything I do and say is right”.
11. Office bitches who pretend to be nice. AND BOSSES who think that just because they are balding, pot-bellied and relying on viagra they have the right to worship themselves and their ideas. Fuck off.

Whoever said hiding behind the keyboard makes people much braver was wrong.

It takes more courage to face the world every morning...

and to decide to leave the damn cosy bed and addictive computer. I am hooked on facebook! shit. I do my virtual room religiously, but not my bed. I don't even go in to read or write comments, just to buy new items to add. HAHAHA.

It's so hard to be honest these days. You can't even be truthful online, where you'd think you can hide behind a mask of anonymity because even the www is getting closer to the truth. We know you're a couch potato, or a bloody nerd now because of your bespectacled profile. We also know if you're ugly. Oh, and the clique you hang out with. What you read, what music you like, what conversation you'd likely make. It's strange to be born in this techno-savvy age.

This is a random post to buy me time away from my marketing textbook.

I am not checking my facebook account.. reallyy...

MY HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE WITH TAXI-DRIVERS

I remember when I was in primary school, and PLMGPS is only a drive less than 5 mins away. Seeing how small and puny this primary schoolgirl is, the uncle drove for close to 15 mins and when I saw the meter I was shocked. But since I didn't know what to say, I paid for it.

I don't know why I have the face that says "I can be scammed!". I mean, it's true that I don't know my roads well but at the very least I can tell when it's overpriced.

And I just came home after this "£$"£%" taxi-driver tried to scam me AGAIN. Every time I take the cab from Rangoon Road, which is Kevin's place, and I tell the uncle to go by Serangoon Road, the uncles will then go to Serangoon Central, and then Serangoon North. It's really a straightforward drive all the way. Tonight the uncle decided he wanted an excursion along Kovan and Hougang too!

Thanks to my daydreaming mode, I only realised too late when he made a turn off course and we were in Hougang, "Uncle, where you going?"

"You never tell me you want to go by Serangoon Central. You only say go by Serangoon Road. From there can exit here also."

"...."

When I reached home the meter was already well over $20+. I was already on the phone since Hougang complaining to Kevin how ridiculous this uncle was, and he still didn't catch the hint. I had been hoping I didn't have to voice it so directly. Some uncles feel paiseh and then they'll cut the fare for you. This one still expected me to pay. I told him, "Uncle I only have $12."

Wah, then he started blaming me for not paying the full fare. Okay lah, I know I'm even underpaying him by about $3 to be exact- but is it my fault that he wanted to try to scam me? I don't understand, it's my house area, why would he think that he'll know it better?

After arguing with the Uncle for like 10mins non-stop about the roads, I decided to just leave the $12 there and get out. After which, he started cursing and shouting at me saying that he is 'unlucky'. Seriously, who is the unlucky one? When that didn't work he started threatening me. "Be careful" lah, etc. I was like, better run upstairs.

When I reached the lift lobby I was still thinking if I should crouch down and walk so he can't see which floor I live in. I mean, his tone was really quite scary. Now I can still feel the adrenaline rush. I seriously wonder if he'll do anything. But then again, all quite a silly small matter right?

THINGS I HATE:

1. Tadpoles
2. Lizards
3. Dirty toilets
4. Replying smses
5. Talking on the phone
6. Math
7. People with bad temper
8. People who aren't Objective/Open-minded
9. People who don't respect other people's opinions and/or pretend to
10. People who suck up
11. Narcissists
12. Physical pain
13. Confrontation
14. Drama and Drama Mamas
15. Rigid/Inflexible rules/authourity
16. Being interrupted when I'm focused
17. Being rudely awakened
18. Being awakened any minute before the actual time I should be awake
19. That Ole Oleeuuuu french mountain girl song.
20. That miahee miahuuu song.
21. Any form of organisation/hierachy that only protects the top tier
22. Sexists
23. Bad hair days (i only ask for untangled hair)
24. Not being trusted
25. Being misunderstood
26. Religious hypocrites

I always wanted to be a journalist.

I was, and still am, interested in reporting and pounding for the truth- the subversive, subjugated truth, and revealing it to the public. I love talking to people and listening to what they have to say, and reading in between the lines, and getting a grasp between intuition and what they present themselves to be. I think it's so cool to be the mouthpiece of 'truth'- the underdog reporter that stuns the whole world. And in case you haven't noticed, I love big ideas.

So, it's weird. I never thought I'd end up doing what I do now, and maybe in another ten years I'll wonder about it again.

Web design. How on earth did I end up becoming a web designer? It was never my forte, I did it just to get by the stupid modules in Poly, and now I actually do it for a respectable organization. Yes, I did do it well enough. But in my opinion, I was definitely never professionally 'good enough'. How did I become a 'web' girl? I never planned for it. To be frank, I hate html. I love the outcome of how little codes weave together to form that masterpiece, but I'd much rather be the one dictating how things should look than the technician obsessing over the technicalities. But yet.

Life's full of possibilities and paradoxically, closed doors. Somehow I know that all these pit stops will eventually be like the little dots that when you draw a pencil along them, will form a complete picture. I look back and I see this dot and that, but I still don't know how the picture will be like. I hope it will be wonderful, and I think it will be because somehow someone has had the dots put in place.

But as the picture gets drawn, I sit in my desk day after day and my best friends are called 'Dreamweaver' and 'Photoshop'. I don't see a point in it at all. I don't want to do this for life, god no, but then I know it will bring me somewhere. I'm just pretty impatient to get off the damn bus and find out exactly.

And I really do hope, even though now it seems pretty far-fetched to me, I really do hope to write for a prestigious publication someday.

Yeah I know people dream of these things all the time. I know there are lots of people better at doing it than me. I just want a stab at it, and I just want to know for sure that I'm not good enough or I'm not cut out for it before I give up. And there are tons of other things I'd like to do...

But the irony is, you can't always carpe diem and seize the day. It's not so easy, not when you're desk-bound, and your path for the next 3 years (and probable career after) are already set on paper. But still... my head's in the clouds. Maybe that's why somebody told me that I seem unfocused. Do I want this job? I'm leaving in 2 weeks.

What if I told you, no?

When I look at my twin, I see another way I could have been.

I guess the very interesting thing about being part of such an accidental occurrence of nature is that you are given somebody to race through life with, with the same exact head start- same parents, same home, same 'nurturing', same schooling, and even (when we were really young) same looks- you can see whether it's really nature or nurture that makes you who 'you' really are.

It occurred to me that my twin sister and I are so distinctly different despite starting out the same.

Are we born the way we are or do external influences make us this way? Do we choose our own paths or is it already predetermined by genetics?

How much of our personality is actually determined by us?

I could have been Faith. Faith could have been me. We could have been a totally different person from either of us. The only similarity we share are physical, and we have the same interest in literature and arts, we both have very bad depression, and we struggle together in a family that's less than perfect. But when it comes to taste, boys or even conversation topics, we veer steeply off-tangent in the similarities.

I remember that by the time we were in primary school the disparity was already so stark. I was over-confident of myself, loved to be sarcastic to adults (because I thought I'd score points being so 'smart'), while she was withdrawn, and emotional (she cried when we moved house), and really very kind (she donated so much of her allowance to SPCA in snail mail). I think that was when we started to look apart (another thing I always pondered about- was it when we started acting different from each other that we looked different too?).

Why do some people fuck up in good families and some don't? Why do people succeed in fucked up families and some don't?

Maybe it really is all about motivation- who you want to be becomes who you are.

Recently my Dad told me, "Life is like a playing with a deck of cards. Your cards are already picked out for you- however bad. That's just the way it is."

Then again, on the bright side, it doesn't mean that when you have a bad set of cards, and you play the game well, you can't win. I admit it's advantageous to have the good cards. But that really already is just the way it is, and you can't fight it.

I don't mean to blog such random philosophical ramblings, it's not like I spend hours pondering on them.

HERE are the happy things...

1. I LOVE KEVIN.
FOR going through the thick and thin with me. Being irritating and lovable. FOR ALWAYS BEING BIAS.

2. I LOVE MY FAMILY
EVEN though it's so dysfunctional. EVEN though it's often caused me depression. FOR FAITH NG SU MIN. For being the only unit of people I can truly ever fall back upon, even if it is because we are bonded by blood.

3. I LOVE MY FRIENDS
I DON'T HAVE MANY. but, they are few and good :) ESPECIALLY. my old PL girls and MARISA YEO. AND. the occasional msn chats with mr isaac. After I left church I kind of lost faith in frienships. ANYWAY. the ones you know when you are innocent and they are innocent, WHEN YOU ARE YOUNG, ARE THE BEST.

4. I LOVE MY MONEY
because i've never been so financially independent. even though. looking at the balance can be sometimes depressing. it'll work out soon enough... but it's nice to get what i want, when i want.

5. I AM HAPPY WITH WHERE MY LIFE IS GOING
i don't regret a single decision.. and i'm convinced my future will be HAPPY SUCCESSFUL AND RICH. HAHA. :))

I am looking forward to:

1)Working with SPH
2)Helping my tuition kid score really well
3)Catching the entire season of Grey's Anatomy (and every other good DVD)!
4)Reading
5)Wearing my new shoes
6)And the new eyeliner that I bought
7)Irritating my lovely twin on her maiden tram ride
8)Going to...
9)Being with people I love (you know who you are) and
10)Being happy

YAWN. :) I love you, GOODNIGHT.

You Are An ENFP

The Inspirer You love being around people, and you are deeply committed to your friends. You are also unconventional, irreverant, and unimpressed by authority and rules. Incredibly perceptive, you can usually sense if someone has hidden motives. You use lots of colorful language and expressions. You're quite the storyteller! You would make an excellent entrepreneur, politician, or journalist.

What's Your Personality Type?

I can't believe how sentimental I am.

Just one message wishing me happy cny from someone i haven't met or thought of in over a year can get me feeling touched. A little surprised, mostly touched. Even nostalgic.

It's nice to be remembered.

-

Nerve.com Strangers by Futoshi Miyagi

When you're done, there's more at:

Strangers by Futoshi Miyagi

I spent like half an hour looking through these pictures. Go see!

Hello.

I think I may blog really frequently now that I like this new layout and the name! So clean and pink. It feels like a fresh start. Well.. even though its 3am and I have a 9am paper tomorrow..the queen of procrastination bids you farewell.