There are a lot of things I would like to have faith for.

Faith: that relationships work. Faith, that God is real and has got my back. Faith, that people are genuinely good at heart and kind. Faith, that my future's secure.

There is no evidence to God's existence.

I struggle very hard to believe in something so intangible, particularly in a society so harsh on idealists.

But sometimes I don't even know if there is a choice for me to believe.

I wonder if being brought up in a Christian household has somehow contributed to some form of childhood indoctrination.

I wonder if a bad experience and disappointment with people who label themselves as little Christ, the 'physical representative of God' has anything to do with my disgust with churches.

I wonder if God is real, or whether it is merely our need for him that is so starving we have hallucinated a deity to cope with this gap in our knowledge, about all the mind-blowing "how did we come about", "where do we go from here" and "what is the purpose of our lives" to cope with our need to compartmentalize and put every thing into neat little boxes in our minds.

I wonder if really, we are all alone, and we only have each other- If it really is a lonely planet, full stop.

It's not so bad if the truth is that this is it. Your life ends with one breath, and thereafter there is nothing left. A legacy and an eternity is an empty dream because the truth is there has been no proof. Perhaps you can really start living when you finally face the cold fact that there is no second chance, no heaven with fat cherubs.

The question is not whether God is real or not- the question is: Do we have a choice?

Or rather, do I?

I would like to blame God because if He is so ubiquitous, I feel many things can be changed. I know what any good Christian will say- it calls for faith that this faith works for good! I wonder if it’s laying one delusion over another.

I would like to throw a tantrum and relish the skeptic in me.

But the truth is I don't have a choice.

I'm not independent enough to stand on my own two feet and admit- it's okay to be alone. It's okay that there's no supernatural being that will get me lucky and manipulate my circumstances according to my prayers, and just give me the illusion of security in the belief that the universe is working for me.

It's too scary to admit that.

The truth is that I have to believe, and I continue to believe, because I need to believe. Even a drowning man will clutch at straws. Maybe, religion is a solace, and this is how we can cope. Maybe, God is real, and maybe, he isn't.

I think at the end of the day the best gauge of whether God is real for you is when you look at your own personal life and allow other people the same chance to make their own judgments about God. And when they do, sticking people with labels such as 'backslider' really is no different from bigotry. It is discrimination.

One very paradoxical question I never understood- If God is of perfect love and grace, why then is there Hell?